Frequently asked questions

While I try to be as clear and comprehensive as possible on these pages, it is impossible to cover everything. Here are the answers to some of the questions I get asked most frequently. If the information you are looking for is not on this page, please get in touch.

Am I queer enough to work with you?

Asking yourself the question “am I queer enough?” is a quintessential queer experience. I don’t think I know anyone in the queer community who has not wondered if they belonged there. I know I certainly have,

So: Anyone who is questioning their sexuality, has curiosities about their gender, or is looking for a judgement free space to explore their sexuality is welcome. No matter what you look like, present as, how “out” you are, who your are in a relationship with, or who you are attracted to.

What is somatic sex coaching?

“Somatic” means “relating to the body”. Somatic sex coaching therefore focusses on your body, and how you experience the world through it. In other words: more exercises than talking.

My approach to sex coaching is focussed on practising the micro skills you need to make empowered decisions about your sex life.

I will invite you into exercises that explore themes like noticing desires and boundaries, asking for what you want, and cultivating presence.

Consciously and consistently practicing these skills will help you on your way to creating the sex life of your choice.

Is there always touch involved?

Only so much as is comfortable and useful to you. Although touch can certainly support this work, it can be done entirely without. Sometimes, choosing not to engage in touch at all is the key to feeling safe and making empowered decisions about what happens to your body.

Do I have to get naked?

No, this is entirely up to you. You are welcome to wear as much or as little clothing as you want.

Will you be naked?

No, I will keep my clothing on for the whole session. This allows you to focus on your own experience, and is in line with the Code of Ethics [https://www.the-asis.org/ethics/] I follow.

Is there mutual touch involved in your sessions?

This work is about you and your embodied experience, so any erotic touch is one directional. There are a few exercises in which non-erotic mutual touch is useful, especially when working with the Wheel of Consent [https://bettymartin.org/videos/]. We will discuss this before it occurs of course.

I experience pain during sex, can you help?

In my experience, slowing down and allowing yourself to listen to your body closely is very effective for those who experience pain during sex. It is likely that somatic coaching will help you with this. The exact route depends on the cause of the pain: tension, scars, or something else. Do let me know if you want to explore your possible ways forward.

I don't orgasm as easily as I'd like, can you help?

I can help you experience more pleasure, and get a more embodied sense of your desires and boundaries. In my experience, letting go of a goal (orgasm for example) increases presence and pleasure. And often that leads to more fulfilling orgasms. So our work might help you orgasm more easily, but that is a side effect of being more present in your body and your pleasure. Feel free to get in touch if you’d like to discuss this further.

I can't get hard/wet, can you help?

I can help you experience more pleasure. Often that leads to physical responses, but sometimes it does not. The main thing to remember is that your body, and whatever it does and does not do or feel, is our starting point and guide. By bringing curiosity instead of expectations, we will discover what brings your particular body pleasure.

Can you help with premature ejaculation?

Yes. There are simple exercises we can do to give you more ejaculatory choice. They are centred around slowing down, breathing, and becoming more present with your body. Get in touch to discuss your particular situation.

I am asexual, is this work useful for me at all?

As you are likely to know if you are reading this, ‘asexual’ is an umbrella term for a wide variety of experiences and identities. If you want to learn more about your body, your (a)sexuality, ways of experiencing (non-erotic physical) pleasure, and/or explore desires and boundaries, than yes, this work is useful to you. Feel free to contact me if you’d like to discuss this more in depth.

I am trans, is your work inclusive of me?

Absolutely. I am cis myself, but have worked with many trans people over the years. With some, the focus has been on getting to know their body after surgery, with others on managing scar tissue, and with yet others their transition was not relevant to our work at all.

It is my strong intention to meet all my clients exactly where they are at, without making assumptions. Past clients have expressed their appreciation for my sensitivity in language use and general approach.

I have disabilities, is your work inclusive of me?

Being inclusive is a priority for me, so I am working hard to be able to say “yes” to this question. Offering online sessions has opened up my work to many people with mobility issues, and I tailor my sessions to clients’ specific needs. Exercises will always be matched to what is useful and available to you. I caption my videos and make my posts as readable as possible. However, I am also always learning and improving, so my mailbox is open to suggestions (no pressure though!).

Do you work with couples, throuples or other relationship constellations?

Yes, and I really enjoy it! Whether working individually or with your partner(s) is most useful to you really depends on what you are after. When working individually, the focus will obviously be more on you and your particular patterns. When working with your partner(s) the focus will be more on the relationship and its dynamics.

Please do note that I do not offer relationship counceling (I focus on sexuality and bodywork). I am not trained for that, and will happily refer you to a colleague.

I am very much in my head, will this work for me?

There is no wrong way of doing this and all of you is welcome: your joys, your sorrows, your emotions, your arrousal, your distractions. All you have to do is show up. I will meet you wherever you are at, and we will work from there.

Do you offer bondage/role play/spanking sessions?

No, not as such. In some cases, it might be useful for you to experience some kinky touch, and we can certainly discuss it. Never in a first session though, and only if we both feel it would support your process.

I'm nervous about meeting you, what should I do?

This is very common. Most people feel a lot of vulnerability around their sexuality, and taking the step to work with a somatic sex coach is a big one. My invitation to you is to take a breath, and listen to your heart: is this right for you?

Why do you use the term “queer” anyway? Isn't that considered a slur by some?

I am aware that the term “queer” is offputting to some, and (especially in the past) has been used to hurt members of our community.

I choose to use it to describe both myself and my business, for the following reasons:

  • It comes closest to describing how I experience my sexuality. I’ve tried “bi” and “pan”, but have found them too restrictive. “Queer” allows me to be fluid and non-specific, while making clear I am not straight. It fits me well.
  • In recent years, many lgbtqia+ people have reclaimed the term as an umbrella discriptor for our community. That feels like a beautifully liberating act. Plus: it’s a convenient shorthand.
Weren't you called Rosie Heart before?

Yes, that is right! I worked under that name for five years, until it started to feel more affirming to work under my ‘real’ name, Sinsia.

Do you still teach workshops?

Yes! They are on hold for now, but I will start them up again once it is safe to do so. You can join my mailing list if you’d like to be notified when that time comes.

The queer sex coach

sinsia@thequeersexcoach.com

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